ripped by antsh
[music]
- NOW, WHEN YOU STARTED OUT, RIGHT,
IT WAS EASY TO ATTACK EVERYBODY
BECAUSE THEY WERE POWERFUL AND YOU WEREN'T.
- RIGHT.
- NOW, YOU HAVE MORE POWER
THAN THEY DO IN SOME INSTANCES.
- I-IT--WELL, NOT OPRAH.
- NO, NO-- - I MEAN, THERE'S LIMITS.
- THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE-- - THERE WILL ALWAYS BE OPRAH.
- YEAH, RIGHT. - AND HER HUSBAND, GAYLE.
- RIGHT. [laughs] HER HUSBAND, GAYLE.
- BUT I THINK IT'S MAKING FUN OF STUFF THAT'S RECOGNIZABLE,
AND WHAT I TRY TO DO IS MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE THAT...
FOR--BY HOOK OR BY CROOK,
HAVE GOTTEN THEMSELVES INTO THE LEXICON.
SO, TO ME, I WILL MAKE FUN OF OPRAH OR THE PRESIDENT...
WHO SHE CHOSE.
- YES. YES, SHE DID.
- WE CAN ACT LIKE WE HAD FREE ELECTIONS BUT...
SHE PICKED HIM.
SHE JUST PICKED HIM, WHICH IS FINE WITH ME.
I THOUGHT SHE MADE A GOOD CHOICE.
BUT SHE PICKED THE PRESIDENT. DON'T BE FOOLED.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT IN CANADA,
BUT HERE WE LET OPRAH PICK.
- DON'T HAVE A PRESIDENT.
- SHE CONSULTS WITH GAYLE,
AND THEN HE'S IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
UM, BUT MAKING FUN OF OPRAH IS--
SHE'S THE PERFECT TARGET BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO HER.
SHE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.
WHAT DOES SHE CARE WHAT I SAY ABOUT HER?
- WELL, YOU--I--I MEAN IF YOU'RE FAMOUS,
YOU'RE FAIR GAME, PERIOD.
I--I--THAT I ALSO--
- I AGREE, BUT ALSO, I THINK BASED ON YOUR BEHAVIOR.
SO YOU CAN BE SOMEONE WHO MAYBE ISN'T TERRIBLY FAMOUS
BUT IF YOU'VE DISPLAYED SOME KIND OF BEHAVIOR,
LIKE THE KIDS FROM JERSEY SHORE.
THEY WEREN'T HOUSEHOLD NAMES,
BUT AFTER TWO EPISODES, EVERYONE KNEW
SNOOKI FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS
OR, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, WITHIN TWO EPISODES OF A SHOW,
YOU CAN BE A HOUSEHOLD NAME OR AT LEAST SOMETHING YOU DID...
- RIGHT. - CAN BE GLOBALLY KNOWN.
- YES. - AND YOUTUBE IS EVEN MORE SO.
- YEAH, AND PEOPLE WANT FAME DESPERATELY,
AND THEY'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET IT, AND THEY DON'T NEED TO HAVE
TALENT TO GET IT AND SO, THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.
- THAT'S WHERE I COME IN. ABSOLUTELY.
- YOU'RE STILL DOING STANDUP, RIGHT?
- YEP, ALL OVER THE COUNTRY
AND SOMETIMES OTHER COUNTRIES.
- LIKE MY COUNTRY, CANADA?
- CANADA MANY TIMES, YEAH.
THEY'RE INTO, LIKE, ABSTRACT-TYPE STUFF.
- WELL, THAT'S WHY THEY LIKE YOU.
WOULD YOU CALL YOURSELF ABSTRACT?
- I WOULD CALL MY MATERIAL ABSTRACT, NOT ACTUALLY MYSELF.
- [laughs] WHAT WOULD YOU--
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL YOURSELF?
IF YOU CALL YOUR MATERIAL ABSTRACT
HOW WOULD YOU--
- I'M A REGULAR GUY WITH, LIKE,
A WEIRD BALCONY IN MY BRAIN THAT'S NOT REGULAR.
- SEE, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO THAT...[chuckles]
IS AMAZING; YOU GET PICTURES AND WORDS WHICH ARE INCREDIBLE.
- YEAH. - WHEN YOU STARTED OUT,
WHO WAS LIKE THAT THAT INFLUENCED YOU?
ANYBODY?
- A MAJOR INFLUENCE WAS GEORGE CARLIN.
- CARLIN, OF COURSE, RIGHT.
- WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,
I MEMORIZED HIS ALBUM, CLASS CLOWN.
- CLASS CLOWN.
- I'D COME HOME AND LISTEN TO IT EVERY DAY.
AND THEN WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,
I HAD A PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS
AND I DID MATERIAL FROM HIS ALBUM.
- LIKE WHAT? WHAT DID YOU DO?
- I DID, UH, THE HAIR POEM-- - DO IT.
- I'M AWARE SOME STARE-- I'M AWARE SOME STARE AT MY HAIR,
SOME EVEN DESPAIR OF MY HAIR,
THEY SEE HAIR DOWN TO THERE AND GO OFF ON A TEAR.
I SAY, NO FAIR.
HAIR CAN BE RARE.
FRED ASTAIRE GOT NO HAIR.
WHERE IS THE HAIR ON A CHOCOLATE ECLAIR?
NOWHERE, MON FRERE.
NOT A LIFE SH--MY WIFE BOUGHT
SOME HAIR AT A FAIR TO USE AS A SPARE.
DO I CARE? AU CONTRAIRE.
NOW THAT I'VE SHARED THIS AFFAIR OF THE HAIR,
I THINK I'LL REPAIR TO MY LAIR
AND USE NAIR, DO YOU CARE?
- [laughs]
- THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.
- I DID THAT IN THE-- IN THE PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS.
I TOLD THEM--TOLD THEM-- I TOLD THEM IT WAS FROM HIM.
I WASN'T TRYING TO PASS IT OFF AS--
- I'M SURE YOU-- I'M SURE YOU DIDN'T.
AND HOW DID IT--DID YOU GET A GOOD GRADE IN PUBLIC SPEAKING?
- I DON'T REMEMBER.
BUT I REMEMBER THAT THE GUY AFTER ME READ FROM THE BIBLE.
- [laughs]
- MUCH EASIER-- MUCH EASIER CONNECTION
THAN READING THE GEORGE CARLIN HAIR STUFF, RIGHT?
- HE WANTED OLDER MATERIAL, I GUESS.
- [laughs]
- WHO--WHO HAS BEEN UPSET AT SOME--AT ANYTHING YOU'VE SAID
THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT?
- I'VE GOTTEN DEMONIC STARES FROM RYAN SEACREST.
SHE'S NOT ALWAYS HAPPY. - YEAH, SO...
[laughter]
- RYAN SEACREST IS GOING TO CRACK AT SOME POINT,
AND I'LL BE THERE TO CATCH HER EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
[laughter continues]
- LOVE YOUR--YOUR REFERRING TO HIM AS "HER."
- BUT, I MEAN, LOOK, PEOPLE LIKE THAT
ARE PERFECT FOR MY ACT,
BECAUSE HE'S KIND OF UNTOUCHABLE.
- SO, YOUR FAMILY--
SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR?
YOUR MOTHER?
- WELL, MY WHOLE FAMILY IS FUNNY.
- THEY ARE FUNNY. - YEAH.
SO MY DAD WAS VERY WITTY,
AND HE WAS THE TYPE OF PERSON
THAT COULD BE FUNNY ON CUE LIKE A COMEDIAN.
MY MOM IS FUNNY, AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY.
SO SHE'S A CHARACTER. - RIGHT.
- AND SHE SAYS FUNNY THINGS,
AND SHE CAN'T REALLY EXPLAIN IT,
BUT MY DAD, IF YOU PUT HIM AT A DINNER PARTY,
HE WOULD KNOW, "OH, I'M GONNA BE FUNNY
FROM SEVEN-ISH TO NINE-ISH."
- REALLY? - YEAH.
- YEAH, AND MY SIBLINGS ARE JUST SMART AND FUNNY.
- SEE, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
THAT WE'VE BEEN TALKING TO, IT ALL STARTS IN THEIR FAMILY,
AND THEY ALL SAY THERE'S SOMEONE IN THEIR FAMILY
THAT'S FUNNY, AND...
- BUT MY FAMILY WAS LIKE A CLUB.
I MEAN, OUR DINNER TABLE--
A BUNCH OF DRUNKEN MICKS IN CHICAGO
ARGUING ABOUT POLITICS
AND "THIS ALDERMAN SHOULDN'T BE SHTUPPING THIS GIRL"
AND STUFF, AND WE ALSO BELIEVED
THAT WE WERE JEWISH ADJACENT, WHICH I THINK IS KEY.
- [laughing] JEWISH ADJACENT.
- SO NONE OF US-- NONE OF US ARE JEWISH,
BUT WE ALL FEEL WE COULD PASS.
- "JEWISH ADJACENT" IS VERY FUNNY.
- WE'RE JEW ADJACENT.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, THE DARK IRISH HUMOR
AND JEWISH ANGST-- - KINDRED SPIRITS.
SEAN HANNITY ASKED SARAH PALIN
WHAT IS IT--YOU KNOW, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
COMEDIAN KATHY GRIFFIN PLAYING A VERSION OF YOU ON GLEE?
AND THEN SARAH PALIN LOOKED RIGHT IN THE CAMERA--
AND IT WAS SO GREAT BECAUSE SHE GOES,
[impression] " YOU KNOW WHAT?
"IF KATHY GRIFFIN WANTS TO MAKE FUN OF ME,
"SHE SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF ME AND MY FAMILY.
"SHE SHOULD COME TO ALASKA AND MAKE FUN OF ME.
"COME ON, KATHY, YOU COME TO ALASKA
"AND MAKE FUN OF ME TO MY FACE.
COME TO ALASKA, COME TO--"
ALL RIGHT.
SO, HERE'S THE GREAT THING.
WHAT YOU GUYS KNOW THAT THAT DUMB BITCH DOESN'T EVEN KNOW
IS THAT NOT ONLY DID I GO TO ALASKA,
I WENT TO WASILLA, I WENT TO HER HOUSE,
KNOCKED ON HER DOOR WITH LEVI JOHNSTON...
AND A TELEVISION CREW.
SO THIS WAS NO SECRET,
AND I CAN ALSO TELL YOU,
NOW THAT I'VE BEEN ON THE PALIN PORCH
OF THE PALIN COMPOUND,
UM, I COULD NOT SEE RUSSIA.
- EVERY AUDIENCE IS A DIFFERENT PERSONALITY
AND IF IT GOES WELL, IT'S A RUSH.
- RIGHT. - IT'S REALLY A RUSH.
IT'S VERY DANGEROUS. IT'S LIKE WALKING A TIGHTROPE.
- AND THEN WHEN IT GOES WELL, DO YOU EXPERIENCE ANY JOY?
- YEAH, I--YEAH.
IT'S DIFFERENT FEELINGS.
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE, UH,
OH, I GOT AWAY WITH IT AGAIN.
SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE RUNNING ACROSS A LAKE OF ICE
THAT'S BREAKING RIGHT BEHIND YOU
AND IT TAKES YOU AN HOUR TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE.
- RIGHT, RIGHT. - AND THEN, WHEN IT'S THERE
IT'S LIKE, OH, MAN, GREAT, EXCELLENT.
- YOU KNOW, UH, WOODY ALLEN WAS GONNA CALL ANNIE HALL
ANHEDONIA.
DID YOU KNOW THAT? - NO.
ANHEDONIA IS THE INABILITY TO EXPERIENCE PLEASURE OR JOY.
AND HE THOUGHT THAT WAS THE DEFINITION OF, I GUESS,
HIM IN ANNIE HALL.
IS THAT THE DEFINITION OF YOU?
- I APPEAR TO BE LIKE THAT
BUT I--I HAVE, LIKE, JOYFUL MOMENTS.
- YOU DO. - I--YEAH.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHY MY--
MY DEMEANOR LOOKS LIKE JUST THIS
REALLY DOWN, SERIOUS GUY.
BUT IT'S LIKE MY FACE IS NOT ATTACHED TO MY BRAIN.
LIKE, MY EMOTIONS-- - YES.
- THERE'S A CIRCUIT MISSING.
SO I CAN BE, LIKE, HAVING A GREAT TIME
BUT JUST BE LIKE THIS.
- [laughs]
- BUT IF I GO TO A BASEBALL GAME
I'LL BE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING, YOU KNOW?
AND I LAUGH A LOT WITH MY FRIENDS OVER IN COMEDY.
- LIKE, THE WAY YOU'RE TALKING TO ME NOW
IS PRETTY MUCH WHAT YOU DO ON STAGE.
ISN'T IT THIS HOW YOU TALK ONSTAGE?
- THE REASON I NEVER LAUGHED ONSTAGE,
IT WASN'T A DECISION, IT WAS JUST--I WAS JUST
TRYING TO REMEMBER MY ACT. - RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW, I HAD ALL THESE JOKES IN MY HEAD, AND I WAS JUST
SAYING THEM AND EVEN THOUGH THE AUDIENCE WAS LAUGHING,
IN MY MIND, I'M THINKING, ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL IS NEXT?
WHAT'S THE NEXT JOKE?
AND I'M LUCKY, 'CAUSE IT JUST BECAME A STYLE.
BUT IT WAS NO DECISION OR ANYTHING.
I LAUGH MORE IN WHAT IS CONSIDERED REAL LIFE.
- [laughs]
- SPONGES GROW IN THE OCEAN.
THAT KILLS ME.
I WONDER HOW MUCH DEEPER THE OCEAN WOULD BE
IF THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.
FRIEND OF MINE'S IN JAIL FOR COUNTERFEIT PENNIES.
IT'S MINIMUM SECURITY; HE'S ON A WHIFFLE BALL AND CHAIN.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY CAUGHT HIM?
HE HAD THE HEAD AND THE TAIL ON THE WRONG SIDE.
HE THOUGHT THAT IT DIDN'T MATTER.
ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE DOES VOODOO ACUPUNCTURE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO.
YOU'LL JUST BE WALKING DOWN THE STREET,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, "OH, THAT'S MUCH BETTER."
[laughter]
- SO WHEN DID YOU TAP INTO THIS GOLD
OF THE GAY AUDIENCE?
- OH, WELL--
- WHEN DID YOU REALIZE THERE'S A MARKET HERE
THAT NO ONE HAS TAPPED--
JUDY GARLAND HAD IT YEARS AGO.
- IT'S WHEN I WAS-- IT'S REALLY WHEN I WAS
TRYING TO GET GAY GUYS TO TAP ME.
SO I WAS THAT GIRL IN SCHOOL THAT HAD THE CRUSH
ON THE GUY THAT WAS SO CLEARLY GAY,
AND I STILL THOUGHT I HAD A SHOT.
IT'S MY RELATIONSHIP WITH RYAN SEACREST NOW.
- RIGHT.
- EVERYBODY ELSE SEES IT BUT ME,
AND I STILL FEEL LIKE I HAVE A SHOT.
ANYWAY, SO IN HIGH SCHOOL, IN FACT, YOU KNOW,
I WENT TO, LIKE, THE PROM WITH THE GUY
WHO'S NOW A CHOREOGRAPHER AT DISNEY WORLD.
- [laughs]
- YOU KNOW.
AND SO I WAS KIND OF HANGING OUT
WITH GAY GUYS EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.
YOU KNOW, WE KIND OF JUST FOUND EACH OTHER.
- RIGHT.
- AND I THINK WHEN THE NATURE OF MY ACT
BECAME MORE DISHY AND SALACIOUS--
- WELL, ONCE YOU STARTED MENTIONING CELEBRITIES
AND ALL OF THAT-- - YEAH.
AND ALSO, ONCE I STARTED REALLY GOING FARTHER WITH,
I DON'T KNOW,
I WOULDN'T SAY BEING SHOCKING ON PURPOSE
BUT NOT CENSORING MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GONNA SHIT YOU,
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GAY AUDIENCE
AND A STRAIGHT AUDIENCE.
- RIGHT.
- UM, THERE ARE CERTAIN TOPICS I'M GONNA DELVE INTO MORE
IF I'M DOING A GAY AUDIENCE,
ESPECIALLY A PRIMARILY GAY AUDIENCE.
LIKE IN JULY I'M GONNA DO THE-- AND I KNOW YOU'RE JEALOUS--
BUT I STOLE THE MILWAUKEE PRIDE FEST GIG FROM YOU.
[laughter] SORRY.
UM, YOU KNOW, AND AN AUDIENCE LIKE THAT,
I MEAN IT'S 6,000 GUYS, IT'S OUTDOORS,
IT'S MILWAUKEE IN THE SUMMER.
- RIGHT. - THEY'RE DOING ECSTASY,
THEY'RE DANCING AROUND EACH OTHER'S FECES.
I MEAN, I DID IT TWO YEARS AGO. ONE GUY JUST PASSED OUT
ON THE DIRT IN FRONT OF ME, AND THE QUEENS
JUST KEPT DANCING AROUND HIM-- IT'S WILD.
SO WHAT AM I GONNA SAY TO THAT AUDIENCE
THAT'S GONNA SHOCK THEM? - NOTHING.
- THEY'RE STILL SORE FROM THE WHITE PARTY.
[laughter]
SO THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT GAY AUDIENCES.
REALLY, YOU KNOW, YOU MAY DO WELL OR FAIL,
BUT YOU CANNOT SHOCK THEM.
THERE'S NOTHING THEY HAVEN'T SEEN OR HEARD.
- WHEN DID YOU FEEL LIKE-- WHEN DID YOU DISCOVER THAT
THAT YOU'RE BREAKING THROUGH AND SAYING THINGS
THAT NO ONE ELSE WOULD SAY IN A WAY?
- WHEN I STARTED GETTING IN TROUBLE.
YOU HEAR, LIKE, THE GALE OF LAUGHTER
AND THEN YOU HEAR THE-- [gasps]
- RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW, AND THEN YOU CAN TELL
WHEN IT'S THE REACTION OF "OH, SHE'S NAUGHTY
BUT I LIKE IT," AS OPPOSED TO, "TOO FAR."
- BUT OBVIOUSLY THE AUDIENCE IS BIGGER
THAN JUST A GAY AUDIENCE NOW BECAUSE YOU'RE--
- WELL, I REALLY THINK
THAT'S BECAUSE OF MY LIFE ON THE D LIST.
SO I, UM--AND ALSO WHEN I WENT BACK TO CLUBS
I STARTED DOING, UM, ONE NIGHT A WEEK
AT THE LAUGH FACTORY.
AND I CALLED, UM, JAMIE MASADA THE OWNER
AND I SAID, "WHAT'S YOUR WORST TIME SLOT?"
AND HE SAID "WEDNESDAYS AT 10:00."
I SAID, "I'LL TAKE IT."
SO, UM, I STARTED DOING THAT, AND THEN I WOULD ACCIDENTALLY
GET STRAIGHT PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY WERE JUST
COMING TO A COMEDY CLUB. - SURE.
- SO THAT WAS A GREAT THING, BECAUSE I WAS LEARNING
HOW TO DO WHAT I CALL A MIXED AUDIENCE.
AND, UM, THAT'S GAY PEOPLE,
AND THEN WE LET A FEW BREEDERS IN.
AND SURE ENOUGH WHEN MY LIFE ON THE D LIST
STARTED AIRING, I KEPT HEARING FROM GUYS,
"YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T THINK
"CHICKS ARE FUNNY.
"MY WIFE WATCHES YOUR SHOW, AND ONE DAY I WAS
"IN THE LIVING ROOM, I SAT DOWN AND, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE PRETTY FUNNY FOR A CHICK."
- RIGHT. - SO I GET A LOT OF THAT NOW.
IT'S THE HIGHEST COMPLIMENT.
I WENT AND DID STAND UP ON
"THE ROSIE O'DONNELL LESBIANS AND THEIR CHILDREN CRUISE."
YOU KNOW HOW SHE DOES THOSE CRUISES?
ALL RIGHT, SO I CALL MY MOM, AND SHE GOES LIKE THIS.
"WHAT?
"WE'RE NOT GOING ON ANY GODDAMN CRUISE,
"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
"GOD DAMN IT!
"WELL, WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A CRUISE IS IT?
LESBIANS AND THEIR CHILDREN?"
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
"WHAT?
"HOW THE CHRIST DO LESBIANS HAVE CHILDREN?
"JOHNNY, KATHLEEN'S ON THE PHONE,
"SHE SAYS LESBIANS CAN HAVE CHILDREN NOW.
"WELL, I DON'T KNOW EITHER!
"IT MAKES NO KIND OF SENSE.
"LAST TIME I CHECKED, YOU GOTTA HAVE A GUY INVOLVED SOMEWHERE.
"FOR CHRIST SAKE, GOD DAMN IT.
"SON OF A BITCH.
"WELL, WHERE THE HELL WE GOTTA GO?
"ALASKA?
"WHY THE CHRIST ARE THE GODDAMN LESBIANS
"BRINGING THOSE POOR KIDS TO ALASKA TO FREEZE
THEIR ASSES OFF?"
[cheers and applause]
- GIVE ME SOME OF THE MATERIAL
THAT YOU'RE DOING ON STAGE THESE DAYS.
LIKE WHAT ARE SOME OF THOSE LINES?
THEY'RE JUST DELICIOUS.
- WELL, I SAY THAT I WENT INTO A STORE
AND ASKED THE WOMAN IF SHE HAD ANYTHING
TO PUT UNDERNEATH THE COASTERS.
[laughter]
I TOLD HER MY COASTERS ARE MARKING UP MY TABLES.
[laughter]
THEN I WENT TO ANOTHER STORE AND I ASKED THEM
IF THEY HAD ANY MAPS THAT WEREN'T AERIAL VIEWS.
[laughter]
AND THAT GUY STARTED CRYING.
SO IT'S ALL REGULAR STUFF,
BUT THEN IT'S JUST TWISTED INTO AN INSANE--
- JUST TWISTED AND GOING OFF TO THE RIGHT OR THE LEFT.
HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH YOUR--
WHATEVER THE NEW ACT IS GONNA BE?
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T-- YOU DON'T WANNA
DO THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN
BECAUSE IT GETS TIRESOME, RIGHT?
- IT'S AN ENDLESS THING OF NOTICING WHAT'S HAPPENING
IN THE WORLD, LIKE, FROM THE MINUTE YOU WAKE UP
TO WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP
YOU'RE BOMBARDED WITH FRAGMENTS
OF PIECES OF INFORMATION LIKE A WORD IN A BOOK
OR A CONVERSATION, OR YOU SEE A SIGN OR SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE COMBINING DIFFERENT REALITIES WITH WORDS
THAT IT COULDN'T REALLY HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE.
BUT YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH WORDS.
- LIKE WHAT?
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENT REALITY THAT YOU COMBINE WITH IT?
- UH, TWO BABIES ARE BORN IN THE HOSPITAL THE SAME DAY,
TWO LITTLE BABIES-- AND THEY'RE LAYING THERE
LOOKING AT EACH OTHER AND EACH KID--
THEY WERE IN THE SAME ROOM, AND EACH FAMILY CAME IN
AND TOOK THEIR BABY AWAY.
AND THEN 85 YEARS LATER BY A BIZARRE COINCIDENCE,
THEY END UP IN THE SAME HOSPITAL,
IN THE SAME ROOM LAYING THERE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,
AND ONE OF THEM SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE,
"SO WHAT DID YOU THINK?"
[laughter]
- THAT'S GREAT.
- THANK YOU.
- SO YOU'RE BOMBARDED WITH THESE IMAGES, RIGHT?
MOST PEOPLE AREN'T BOMBARDED WITH IMAGES, THEY'RE JUST--
- WELL, THEY TRICKLE IN, IT'S NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW.
- RIGHT, LIKE YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS
DELIVERS THEM TO YOU, RIGHT?
- YEAH, YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS
IS ALWAYS WORKING, AND THEN WHEN IT COMES UP
WITH SOMETHING, IT KNOCKS THE CONSCIOUSNESS--
YOU KNOW, "THIS JUST IN."
YOU KNOW. AND THEN...
AND THEN IT APPEARS LIKE YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO THINK OF IT,
BUT YOU REALLY WERE. - RIGHT.
AND THEN HOW SOON DO YOU KNOW IT'S MATERIAL?
YOU JUST--DO YOU TRY IT OUT WITH FRIENDS?
DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS THAT YOU--?
- NO, I HAD THIS GIRLFRIEND WHEN I STARTED,
AND I WOULD JUST TRY JOKES ON HER
AND SHE DIDN'T LAUGH AT SOME OF THEM,
SO I DIDN'T DO THEM.
BUT THEN ONE NIGHT I SAID SOME OF THE ONES
THAT SHE DIDN'T LIKE, AND THEY WORKED.
SO THEN I REALIZED THAT YOU HAVE TO TRY IT
ON THE AUDIENCE, 'CAUSE THE DYNAMIC IS DIFFERENT.
IT'S A DIFFERENT ATMOSPHERE THAN ONE-ON-ONE.
- HOW LONG DID THAT GIRLFRIEND LAST?
- [laughs]
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, I WISHED THE FIRST WORDS
I EVER SAID WAS THE WORD "QUOTE"
SO RIGHT BEFORE I DIED I COULD SAY, "UNQUOTE."
LOTS OF MY FRIENDS HAVE BABIES, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY BABIES
BUT I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS' BABIES
DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
THEY ALL HAVE THOSE BABY MONITORS
SO THEY CAN HEAR THE BABY FROM THE OTHER ROOM,
WHICH I CONSIDER A FORM OF WIRE-TAPPING.
SOME DAY THERE'S GONNA BE A REALLY SMART BABY
THAT MAKES A FAKE RECORDING OF SOME FAKE BABY NOISES.
GONNA CRAWL OUT THE WINDOW AND GO TO ITALY.
I NEED ONE OF THOSE BABY MONITORS FOR MY SUBCONSCIOUS
TO MY CONSCIOUS SO I CAN KNOW
WHAT THE HELL I'M REALLY THINKING ABOUT.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- HOW MUCH OF YOUR CAREER IS ON THE ROAD, LIKE...
- I DO ABOUT 100 CITIES A YEAR.
- THAT'S A LOT. - YEAH.
- IS IT LIKE NINE MONTHS OF THE YEAR, TEN MONTHS,
DO YOU TAKE OFF FOR A COUPLE OF--
- NO, I DO AN ONGOING TOUR BECAUSE THE NATURE OF MY ACT
IS SO BASED ON WHAT'S HAPPENING IN POP CULTURE.
- RIGHT.
- THAT IT'S NOT LIKE CHRIS ROCK WHERE HE TAKES THREE YEARS
AND HE WRITES HIS ACT--
- HONED TO PERFECTION. - IT'S HONED TO PERFECTION.
- RIGHT.
- AND HE GOES AND DOES LIKE, TRIAL SETS.
YOU KNOW, LOOK--I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT PAULA ABDUL'S
DOING TODAY, BUT I'M GONNA FILL YOU IN
ON WHAT SHE'S DOING TOMORROW.
- RIGHT, THE AUDIENCE IS ALWAYS INTERESTED IN THIS WHEREVER--
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GONNA GET WHEN THEY COME TO SEE YOU.
- THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GONNA GET,
AND ALSO THE GREAT THING ABOUT CELEBRITY CULTURE
IS IT IS THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.
- WELL, YOU KNOW YOU WERE SORT OF AHEAD
OF THIS CULTURAL CURVE, AND NOW IT'S MOVED
RIGHT INTO YOUR LAP IN A WAY BECAUSE NOW IT'S ALL OF IT--
- WELL, THE WEEKLY MAGAZINES
ARE BIGGER THAN THEY'VE EVER BEEN.
- BIGGER THAN-- AND PEOPLE ARE--
I MEAN, THEY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT--
DID YOU SAY KATE GOSSELIN?
- KATE GOSSELIN AND BRANGELINA. - RIGHT.
- AND I LIKE WHEN PEOPLE WILL COME UP TO ME IN BOISE
AND SAY, "WHAT'S GOING ON WITH BRANGELINA?"
LIKE I KNOW THEM, YOU KNOW? - RIGHT.
- BUT I HAVE IMPRESSIONS ABOUT IT.
BUT I DO--PRIMARILY I REALLY DO LIKE
TO KEEP MY ACT ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE
WITH THAT CELEBRITY.
SO I CAN COMMENT ON SOMETHING I SAW ON TV LIKE ANYBODY,
BUT REALLY THE STUFF THAT I PUT IN MY SPECIALS
IS MY RUN-IN WITH SHARON STONE.
- RIGHT.
- MY BIZARRE BACKSTAGE RUN-IN WITH, YOU KNOW, RENEE ZELLWEGER.
- RIGHT.
- WHEN THE CELEBRITY CONFRONTED ME,
THIS PERSON WAS PISSED AT ME AND WHY.
- RIGHT. WHAT HAPPENED WITH SHARON STONE?
WHAT WAS THAT? - WHICH TIME?
I MEAN, SHARON STONE IS HEAVEN FOR ME
BECAUSE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL AND WORLD FAMOUS
AND, YOU KNOW, SHE'S A NUTBAG.
[laughter]
- AND WILDLY TALENTED BUT SHE'S, YOU KNOW,
CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS.
AND SO I'VE HAD SEVERAL, UM, ENCOUNTERS WITH HER.
- UH-HUH.
- AND THE GREAT THING ABOUT SHARON STONE
IS SHE'S ONE OF THESE A-LISTERS THAT, LIKE--I THINK SHE
KIND OF LOOKS AT ME AND SHE'S A LITTLE WARY.
AND I KNOW SHE CAN'T STAND ME BECAUSE WHEN I GIVE HER SHIT,
SHE GOES LIKE THIS.
[insincere laugh] "ISN'T SHE GREAT?"
WHICH MEANS "FUCK YOU." - YEAH, YEAH.
- 'CAUSE I SPEAK STONE. IT'S MY SECOND LANGUAGE.
- YOU SPEAK STONE.
- YEAH, AND SO SOMEBODY LIKE THAT IS JUST HEAVEN FOR ME
AND I MEAN, I DON'T RUN INTO THESE CELEBRITIES THAT MUCH
BUT WHEN I DO, MY EAR GROWS LIKE A CHIA PET.
LIKE, IT TURNS INTO A BOOM MICROPHONE,
AND THERE'S NOTHING I'M MISSING.
- SO ANY CELEBRITY IS FAIR GAME.
- ABSOLUTELY.
BACKSTAGE AT THE VIEW, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I'M OBSESSED
WITH BARBARA WALTERS AND EVERYTHING
THAT IS BARBARA WALTERS. - YEAH.
SO WAS SHE THERE WHEN YOU DID THE VIEW AND...
- WELL, NOW I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE ON WITH HER.
[laughter]
- IS THAT--AM I--DOES JERRY SEINFELD NOT SAY THAT
IN HIS PART?
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- WELL, BECAUSE, UM...
ALL RIGHT.
I WOULD PUT IT THIS WAY.
I WOULD SAY THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF CELEBRITIES
THAT I REALLY LOVE AND REVERE,
AND THEY DON'T CARE FOR ME.
AND I'VE COME TO TERMS WITH THAT.
BECAUSE I LOVE THAT BARBARA WALTERS,
AND I DON'T CARE THAT SHE HATES ME.
I THINK SHE'S A PISTOL,
SHE SAYS OUTRAGEOUS THINGS,
AND WHAT HAPPENED WAS I WAS BACKSTAGE AT THE VIEW
AND WE WERE HAVING A LIGHT CONVERSATION
ABOUT SEX AND LUBRICANTS.
AND THEN BARBARA WALTERS SAID, "I PREFER ASTROGLIDE."
NOW... [laughter]
YOU TELL ME IF YOU'RE MAN ENOUGH TO NOT PUT THAT IN YOUR ACT.
- OH, IT'S TOO GOOD. - 'CAUSE I'M NOT.
I'M NOT MAN ENOUGH, IT'S TOO GOOD.
SO I PUT IT IN MY NEXT SPECIAL.
- MM-HM.
- AND THEN I GOT AN ANGRY PHONE CALL,
AND THEN I WAS BANNED FROM THE SHOW.
- AH. [laughs]
- AND THEN SOMETHING I WAS DOING DID WELL,
AND THEN I GOT BACK ON.
BUT WHEN I'M ON, SHE LEAVES.
- OH, SO YEAH, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE--
- THE LAST TIME I CAUGHT HER IN THE BATHROOM.
BECAUSE IT WAS A TWO-SHOW DAY. - UH-HUH.
- AND SHE WOULD DO THE FIRST SHOW,
BUT SHE WOULDN'T DO THE ONE I WAS ON.
- MM-HMM.
- SO THEN I GOT HER IN THE STALL.
- WAS SHE NICE TO YOU OR DID SHE NOT TALK OR...
- WELL, SHE'S VERY REGAL.
UM, AND SHE WAS CLEARLY LIVID THE WHOLE TIME
BUT FURIOUSLY WASHING HER HANDS AND SAYING,
"NO, DEAR, I THINK YOU'RE FUNNY.
"I MEAN, SOMETIMES YOU GO TOO FAR
"BUT I DON'T KNOW, I JUST--I HAVE TO GO.
OSCAR DE LA RENTA CALLED, WE'RE HAVING LUNCH."
- [laughs] - LIKE THAT.
SO SHE CAME UP WITH A RIDICULOUS EXCUSE
ABOUT HAVING LUNCH WITH OSCAR DE LA RENTA,
WHICH, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE, FRANKLY.
- I DON'T THINK IT WAS. I DON'T THINK--
- BUT I MEAN, I GET A KICK OUT OF HER
AND I LOVE PEOPLE LIKE THAT.
THEY HAVE MANY-- YOU KNOW, SHE'S FASCINATING
AND JOY BEHAR SAID, "YOU THINK YOU KNOW HER?
BELIEVE ME, THERE'S A LOT OF LAYERS TO THAT ONION."
- [laughs] YEAH, YEAH. - YOU KNOW, SO...
I LOVE PEOPLE LIKE THAT.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE, KATHY.
- THANK YOU. IT'S MY PLEASURE.
- OKAY. [applause]
- DAVID STEINBERG, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
- UH, STEVEN, IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.
YOU ARE A DELIGHTFUL PERSON.
- THANK YOU. - AS LOW-KEYED AS YOU ARE.
AND, UH, THANK YOU FOR DOING IT.
- THANKS. - OKAY.
- THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
[applause]